When Your Grown Child Violates Your Values or Walks Away from Faith

“Good thing Easter is a season and not just a day, because some resurrections take time.” I was sitting outside on a bench at a conference center in Connecticut getting ready to speak to a large group of parents when the phone call came in. I knew my friend was going to call, but I had no idea why. He asked if I had time. “Only fifteen minutes,” I said. “Yesterday, I received a call from my twenty-one-year-old daughter,” he said. “Before she said anything else, she asked me if I was sitting down. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. There was a long, awkward pause and then she said, ‘Dad, I’m going to get married. I know you won’t approve, but I’m going to do it anyway. Mom approves.’ ” My friend and his wife had been divorced for several years after his wife left him for another woman. “Then she said, ‘And Dad, the person is forty-two years old.’ “I tried to keep my cool,” he said, “so I responded, ‘Wow, that’s quite an age difference. How long have you known him?’ Which is when I learned why she’d asked if I was sitting down. She said, ‘I’ve only known her for two months, but I know it’s love.’ ” At this point in our conversation, he lost his composure and started to cry. Then he added, “My daughter invited me to her wedding, which is two weeks from now. She told me the service would be a bit ‘nontraditional’ and that I wouldn’t be walking her down the aisle.” I knew the dad well enough to know he was heartbroken on several levels. The situation brought back the deep pain and sense of failure from his marriage, plus his values were different from his daughter’s. I looked at my watch and realized I had only ten minutes before I had to end the conversation. “Does your daughter know you love her, and does she know how you feel about her decision?” Realizing this was not a counseling session but a friend asking for my input, I said, “If she were my daughter, I would attend the wedding. I would no doubt be heartbroken, confused, and dismayed, but my presence at her wedding would convey my love without giving my approval.”

Near the end of our brief conversation, I added, “I’m going to guess that there will be a crash in the relationship. Getting married after knowing anyone for only two months is seldom a good idea, not to mention that you said she broke up with her boyfriend just two months ago. The odds point toward divorce.” We discussed the fact that when she crashed, she would need someone to turn to for help. I encouraged him not to break the relationship over her poor decision but to let her know he was there for her if she ever needed help. Sure enough, a few months after the wedding, she called her dad and said she was leaving the relationship and asked if she could move back home. She wanted to get her life straightened out. After a couple of years, she’s now in a much better situation. She got the counseling help she needed and started attending her father’s church, where she found a loving and accepting community. She experienced some bumps and bruises, but I believe her dad’s decision to show up at the wedding and to maintain their relationship was a significant factor in her redemptive story.

When an adult child violates our values, makes poor choices, or gets in deep trouble, we often question our parenting abilities. Our doubts shout at us: • Would this have happened if I had been more spiritual, or if we had prayed more as a family? The what-ifs can paralyze our souls and wreak havoc on our confidence as parents. One of the greatest heartbreaks for a parent is watching a child waste his or her life, potential, or opportunities with poor choices. One woman said to me, “I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life, but I’ve never felt heartbreak like I have through the poor choices of my kids.” A friend of mine whose son struggled with drug and sex addictions put it this way: “It feels like a death. Or at least the death of a dream. No doubt about it, ‘big children bring on bigger problems.’ ” When your young- adult kids have serious adult- sized problems, the kind that can derail a healthy and productive life, your heart may break, but your child’s choices don’t have to break you. Your child’s regrettable decisions do not make you a bad parent. Even good parents have children who make poor choices. It may be too late for prevention, but it’s never too late for redemption. Miracles do happen. Sometimes they take the form of a rapid change, but most times they are a slow climb toward a better life. Author C. S. Lewis wrote, “Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” Your child’s failures may well become the foundation for a whole new life. This is the power of redemption. There is perhaps no more powerful story of redemption than Jesus’ story about a prodigal or lost son. It’s a tragedy that ends with a victory. I’m guessing you already know the story, but every parent of a child who’s made regrettable choices needs to be reminded of it. A father had two sons, and the younger son left home and lived a life contrary to the values of his family. He traveled to a distant country and squandered all his money in what Jesus described as “wild living” (Luke 15:13). When a famine hit, the son ended up with the only job he could find, which was feeding pigs, the kind of job no good Jewish boy would ever take. Finally, he came to his senses and set out for home.

The boy’s father had no doubt been brokenhearted when his son left. He likely experienced deep pain and worry over his lost son daily. Jesus said that the father saw his son “while he was still a long way off” (Luke 15:20). It’s a detail that makes it clear the father had been watching and waiting, hopeful every day for the moment his son would return. When the son arrived, the father welcomed him and threw a party. Although the story is called the parable of the prodigal son, it has been said that it’s more accurate to say it’s the story of a loving father. I sometimes imagine there was a conversation before the son left home that went something like this: Son: “I’m leaving home and there really is nothing you can do about it.” Father: “I don’t want you to leave. I think you are making a very bad mistake with lifelong consequences. Nevertheless, you are an adult and I can’t forbid you to leave. But know this: our home will always be open to you.” The father displayed great love and wisdom in his response. “I think you are making a bad decision and a poor choice with potentially terrible consequences. But I’m your father and my home is always open to you.” What some parents don’t understand is that you can still show love as your children suffer the natural outcome of their actions. The son eventually did come home and his father warmly and lavishly welcomed him, but that didn’t mean everything went back to the way it was. Most likely, there were still consequences. I wonder if after the welcome-home party there was another conversation that went something like this: Father: “Son, I am so glad you are home. I have prayed for this day to arrive. You are welcome to stay, but you need to know that there are expectations and boundaries.” Son: “Dad, I am so sorry. You were right. I will do my best to live according to the way I should have been living all along. I am humbled by your loving grace.” Although Jesus doesn’t spell out how the younger son responded, I like to imagine he was willing to change and to abide by the father’s lovingly set boundaries. We can learn so much about how to handle a prodigal child from this amazing parable. This father was loving yet firm. He offered grace but still expected his son to live by the family’s values. My guess is that when most children return home after straying, there is much to celebrate. But don’t expect it all to be easy. All of us are complicated and some of those same kids come back with addictions or habits of the heart that need work. Always be aware that some miracles take time.