“The first forty years of parenting are always the hardest!”
A woman I know was asked at her son’s wedding, “What is the responsibility of the mother of the groom?” She smiled and said, “Wear beige and keep your mouth shut.” She got a chuckle, but it was great advice, especially when it comes to relationships with in-laws.
Many comedians like to do a bit on in-laws, especially a mother-in-law. I must admit I have done my share of laughing at those jokes. The reason so many comedians take on the in-law routine is because the in-law stereotypes are based on realities most people can relate to. Some in-laws do meddle. When it comes to dealing with in-laws, stepfamilies, and the blend, the wisecrack wisdom of “wear beige and keep your mouth shut” is a much more effective strategy than meddling. Here’s my short take on navigating a successful relationship with an in-law or an in-law-to-be:
• Don’t criticize the in-law’s treatment of your son or daughter.
If I might be so blunt, it’s not about you; it’s about them. You don’t have to like them. You don’t have to agree with them. Your job is to honor your child by honoring your in-law because they chose your in-law and you didn’t.
Susan and Matt confided in me that their new daughter-in-law was not the type of person they had hoped their son would marry. She was brash, bossy, opinionated, and a bit narcissistic. They also felt she was keeping their son away from the family. While Matt wanted to confront the couple, Susan was nervous that a confrontation would push her new daughter-in-law and son away. They asked me what I thought. Although I do believe that gentle confrontations can work, I wasn’t sure that was the best strategy in this case.
“It seems like she is a bit rough around the edges,” I said. “I’d shower her with kindness and pray for a transformation. It doesn’t sound like she has a vendetta against you as much as this is her personality with everyone. What if you took on the task of nixing any negativity toward her or your son? Be the people in their lives who support their marriage. Be the safe in-laws to whom they will be drawn, rather than the ones causing tension. Lower your expectations for a while and support them whenever and however you can.”
Chapter 8 Guide · Principle 8: Wear Beige and Keep Your Mouth Shut
In-Laws, Daughters-in-Law, Sons-in-Law, and Blended Family Boundaries
1. Core Principles from Dr. Jim Burns’ HomeWord Library
Susan also shared she was struggling over the loss of closeness with her son. Before his marriage, the son and his mother had been close. Now, not so much. “Your access to your son and future grandkids is through your daughter-in-law,” I said. “So it’s back to supporting her in any way you can. Without being intrusive, offer to babysit anytime she needs a break and it works with your schedule. Go out of your way to bring her a small gift or write an affirming card. You’d do it for a friend, so why not for your daughter-in-law, who can become your friend? When you honor her, you are honoring your son. Be the person they want to spend time with because you are investing in their lives. Then sit back and watch the relationship change.”
I know my advice to Susan might sound like an oversimplification because life and relationships can get complicated—even good, well-intentioned people can make mistakes when hurt feelings get the best of them. But for those in Susan’s situation, the decision to support the marriage of your grown kids can help keep it from being unnecessarily complicated. Stay away from disputes with your kid’s spouse on anything. You just can’t take it personally.
Sometimes people tell me they just don’t like the person their adult child is dating or has married. I get it. But unless the situation is abusive or destructive, it’s better to focus on learning to like them than to focus on what you don’t like about them.
One mom I know changed a relationship with her daughter-in-law through small gifts. Her daughter-in-law had a shell that was difficult to penetrate. She didn’t have much of a filter and would say hurtful words to her mother-in-law and talk negatively about her son. She was simply a negative and draining person. One day when the mom was at Starbucks, she realized that her daughter-in-law loved Starbucks, but the young couple was on a pretty tight budget. So the mom bought her a ten-dollar gift card. Next door was a candy store that sold chocolate-dipped strawberries, and she purchased two. On her way home, she stopped by her son and daughter-in-law’s apartment with the gift card, strawberries, and a short note. The daughter-in-law loved the gesture. From that time on, it became a weekly ritual. Eventually, the daughter-in-law reached out and asked to get together for coffee. One year later, they are best friends. Of course, this wonderful ending isn’t always the case, but the point is clear: reach out in love, even if you don’t start off liking them.
Carly and David pulled me aside at one of our Doing Life with Your Adult Child seminars. They told me they had taken an instant disliking to their daughter’s husband and made both subtle and not-so-subtle comments to their daughter about him before the wedding. Their daughter went ahead and married, and now they were the proud grandparents of three children and still not too crazy about their son-in-law. But their story was a good one.
They decided against complaining about the son-in-law to their daughter. Even when she made negative comments (with which they agreed), they kept quiet. They just listened. Their philosophy was, “He’s your husband and we will stay out of the fray.” When grandchildren entered the picture, the son-in-law routinely limited their access to the grandkids and the hurts deepened. When Carly and David asked to stop by, he would say, “Not today—we are really busy.” They waited for more access with wounded hearts. They offered to babysit. They bought gifts. They didn’t miss any occasion to celebrate together. Slowly but surely, access was granted. Babysitters were needed, and they got their time. They were smart enough to wait it out and keep their mouths shut, and eventually things changed.
When I asked them how the breakthrough happened, they said, “We decided to become the fun grandparents and fun in-laws. This meant our grandkids started asking for us. We tried to create family fun as a vital part of our family culture.” When I asked if they liked their son-in-law any better, they said, “When we lowered our expectations and accepted him for who he is, things got better. We want to do everything we can to help them succeed as a family.”
While some may chafe at the thought, the idea of wearing beige and keeping your mouth shut really is wise counsel and the most effective way to deal with in-laws, stepfamilies, and blended family relationships. If you get it wrong, the consequences may be far more painful than the effort required to act with restraint. That’s what happened with Marie, who was vocal in expressing her dislike of her daughter Cally’s choice in a husband.
From the beginning, Marie’s relationship with her son-in-law was strained and the relationship with her daughter was complicated as a result. Before Cally married her husband, Marie saw what she considered to be red flags in the relationship, and she wasn’t shy about telling everyone she knew what she thought of him. Cally married him anyway. They had a baby. The marriage was rocky at best. When Cally separated from her husband, Marie didn’t let a day go by without giving her daughter a piece of her mind about her lousy, good-for-nothing husband. As much as Cally tried to distance herself from her mother’s negativity, it was still a regular part of life. Then one day, Cally told her mom that because of the baby, she and her husband were going to try to reconcile. That same week, while in the middle of a fight with her husband, Cally told her husband what Marie thought of him. Later, the husband called
Marie and told her she was no longer welcome in their home. He cut off access to her daughter and grandson. It was only in hindsight that Marie recognized she shouldn’t have unleashed her anger and concerns on her daughter. It had cost her the relationship.
2. Timestamped Video Conversations from the HomeWord Archive
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 12:59–15:36
Watch at 12:59–15:36 on YouTube ↗
Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families with Laura Petherbridge
Laura Petherbridge · 12:59–15:36 · Themes: Marriage Intimacy & Unity, Blended Families & In-Laws
[12:59] and she goes i just wore beige and i kept my mouth shut is that the advice of us that you would say to some stepmoms that they need to back off and let the biological parents figure it out or is there another answer to that well it really depends on dad see dad is the key we keep looking at the two women but dad is really the key here
[13:21] And so the couple, dad and his new wife, they first of all need to sit down and determine what the stepmom's role is going to be. Dad often wants to recreate a new family and pretend that it's a new biological family. This is unrealistic and does not happen. Very rarely happens, even if mom is dead. But it's very hard to get him to understand.
[13:49] you know she can't just replace the mom It's not going to work if you keep pushing that. So it requires a great deal of maturity between the two women. It requires both of them to put themselves in the other woman's shoes of what they're dealing with. And so and of course, as our society becomes more and more self-centered, that is becoming more and more complicated, more and more difficult because it requires being a step parent requires an incredible.
[14:22] amount of sacrifice yeah sacrifice discipline and also intentionality what i hear you know i kind of reading in between the lines there too many times people who have already been married whether and again they were it's either divorce or death but they don't go get counseling and i always say to people no this is the number one thing you need to get is some pre-marital
[14:43] counseling because you got to talk about the role and some of these issues before you get married, not in the heat of the battle. Exactly. It's going to hurt your marriage. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And very few people do that. And if they do, especially if they're Christians, they attend a pre-marriage class at their church and those classes have absolutely nothing on the complexities that a step family faces that a biological family does not face.
[15:10] Yeah, got to bring it up. It's interesting. My friend Doug Fields and I wrote a book called Getting Ready for Marriage. And it's always fascinating because one of our chapters is on blending and step parenting and that whole thing. And people, I find that people who are going to blend their family, they go straight to that chapter. They skip finances, sexuality, relationship with God. They go right there. And actually, that's not a bad thing to do. It's not.
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 34:17–36:12
Watch at 34:17–36:12 on YouTube ↗
Overcoming Infidelity with guest Courtney Joseph Fallick
Dr. Jim Burns · 34:17–36:12 · Themes: Marriage Intimacy & Unity, Parenting Teens & Technology
[34:17] I looked at a picture that I shouldn't have looked at. When we unify in the struggle, when we open that up, no longer are we isolated, but now we can actually process. Now we can actually work through this. And I'm in the know of when my husband struggles or when their wife struggles because that opens up the realms of communication.
[34:37] building up trust what does that look like in your marriage and what are ways that your spouse can do that for you another thing that i loved that courtney talked about was just honoring her ex-husband to her kids so often friends i know that your spouse can be so frustrating i get it i mean i'm married we're on 18 years like i get that our spouses can be frustrating and they can make choices that could be so hurtful and that change
[35:04] our lives change our kids lives and we just want to shout it from the rooftop unfortunately when we do that that damages our kids view of not only our spouse but of us as well imagine being put in that position where you feel like you have to pick sides that's what happens when we bad mouth our spouse to our kids
[35:24] We don't want that for our kids. They're already going through enough. So just trying to create an environment where we add a filter to our mouths. I know sometimes it's hard, but it is so valuable when we're able to say kind things. And like the adage says, if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. And for my face, for instance, even if my mouth doesn't say it, my face says it, I have to be very cautious of what does my face show if I have some frustration with my partner instead.
[35:52] Go to my partner. In my case, I can. And if you can't, then go to a trusted friend. Go to someone else to vent to instead of venting to your kids because that's ultimately not going to be healthy for them. All right, friends, that's today's episode of Embracing Your Season. Thanks for listening. Join us again next week for another episode of Embracing Your Season.
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 13:51–16:23
Watch at 13:51–16:23 on YouTube ↗
The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace
Love and Grace · 13:51–16:23 · Themes: Marriage Intimacy & Unity
[13:51] you know back to the old the the you know the three we had were so different the first two were more in your face i'm not doing that where the third one was like he'd look at me and go yes mommy i'd say joey don't do that yes mommy he always i never it was like he was so easy but then as soon as you turned around he was the one sneaking out the back door and climbing under the fence and then running down the street he was like compliant in front of you but then you turn around the other two they did it right you know they were just like i'm not doing that
[14:21] But what I discovered as a, I don't want to say co-parent because we were married, but when you parent together, your co-parents, your children seeing you in harmony is more important than which approach you take. Oh, I like that. And at the end of the day, your marriage and your example of marriage and how you treat each other in your marriage is more important than fighting over whether or not they get dessert that night. And sometimes it's more serious things. But a lot of times, like my husband and I would have different ideas and I would just have to go, is it that big of a deal to make this a conflict in our marriage, which then affects the kids worse?
[15:07] than whatever it was that we disagreed on. Yeah, you know, in one of my parenting books, I have a section called United We Stand, Divided We Fall. And my point was, you don't have to always agree, but you might have to agree to disagree and then get behind the spouse. I mean, I've heard horror stories where somebody has said, yeah, I was disciplining my child or I was giving him some consequences. And the other spouse came in and said, no, no, no, no, we're not gonna do it that way.
[15:35] It's okay here, you know. And, you know, that's just horrible. That's just not a good idea at all. And yet, you know, there's times in my life where I've, you know, with Kathy, we disagreed on things. Discipline we disagreed on. We disagreed on some of the educational things. Now, all my kids have master's degrees, so they kind of sort of did okay, right?
[15:56] It sounds like Kathy's way, not my way. So I had to learn to bite my tongue early. You know, we talk about biting our tongues with our kids sometimes, especially our adult kids. You have adult kids. I have adult kids. And so, you know, keep your mouth shut, the welcome mat out, that kind of a thing. Sometimes we have to bite our tongue with our spouse and say, is this the battle that I want to do or not? And so I found that our kids were educated and sometimes disciplined differently, but I don't think they thought we were ever.
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 29:53–32:06
Watch at 29:53–32:06 on YouTube ↗
Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Jim Answers Your Questions (Part 2)
Dr. Jim Burns · 29:53–32:06 · Themes: Adult Children & Role Shift
[29:53] on politics and religion. My kids don't want to be around them, Jim. Yeah, right. Well, keep your mouth shut. Bite your tongue. I've got scars on my tongue because I've had to bite my tongue on things. It's not your husband's place. I know he thinks about it all the time. He watches television. He wants to share all this news. They don't want to hear it.
[30:16] i would only give advice and input if they ask me for it and then i'd even be a little bit tentative because again he's jumping in waters that aren't going to work and you don't want to ever push them away so it's possible to be have a great relationship with your kids and they will vote differently i was speaking in austin not too long ago well actually been a little while because it was the election and the pastor had i voted on his lapel
[30:43] And he was just getting ready to introduce me. And he showed a picture of him and his daughter said, first time she's voted. And we're really excited about this. And it wasn't voting on voting day. They were voting ahead of time. And he said this thing. And he goes, I think we canceled each other's votes. Well, there's a lot of parents right now and younger adults who are canceling each other's votes. He said, but that's okay. And what he was saying was, I love my, I think his daughter was in the audience, by the way.
[31:08] But he said, you know, he's saying, I love my daughter. We're not going to agree on this stuff. But I don't think we just give unsolicited advice, whether it be especially religion and politics. I think about this has been a long time. People will be saying, you know, we don't talk about religion. We don't talk about politics and stuff. Well, now it's even more heightened and more intense. Do talk about your faith. Do talk about politics, but do it with somebody else who cares, because I don't think your kids want to hear it. If they invite you.
[31:36] Absolutely. If they don't invite you, then keep your mouth shut, welcome that out. Still keep an atmosphere of what I call a welcoming mat atmosphere. And to do that sometimes you just don't want to talk about it. I had a situation not too long ago where a man or a kid said to me, man, they wanted some conflict advice and said, the kid said, if my dad votes for Trump, I'm out of here. The dad says,
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 0:00–1:24
Watch at 0:00–1:24 on YouTube ↗
Parenting Hack: Stay Calm During Child Tantrums! #shorts
Dr. Jim Burns · 0:00–1:24 · Themes: Christian Family & Faith Formation
[0:00] Don't fight with a three-year-old. Don't fight with a five-year-old. Don't fight with a 10-year-old. Don't fight with a teenager. Just let them do their thing. Let them have their little whatever. I mean, I remember our daughter would go in her room and kick her wall and scream, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. And we would just laugh. I hear people who are broken because their kids said, I hate you. Oh, yeah, we heard that a lot. I mean, we heard that if you didn't do what she wanted.
[0:29] She would, and I remember my son, the very first note I ever got from him, he asked me how to spell out the words, the words mean mommy. And he handed it to me because I wouldn't let him do whatever it was he wanted to do that day. That was the very first note I ever got from him. And it was the cutest little thing. But if you're not getting that kind of thing, you're not being a parent.
[0:51] because your kids have got to disagree with you and if they don't disagree with you you are not doing what you're supposed to do but you could do it in a loving way but if she wanted to express herself and say she hated us okay that's how she feels right now and we when she calmed down we tell what we love you so even in the midst of their getting crazy you got to stay calm
[1:11] Because getting crazy with them is not going to, and it's hard. It is really hard because your heart is breaking and you feel bad for them. You're questioning, am I doing this right? But you got to figure it out and stay calm.