Confident Parenting & Understanding Your Teen: Raising Littles, Preteens & Teens

A majority of today’s parents were subjected to fear-based or shame-based parenting. In a previous generation, it was acceptable. The problem is that it just didn’t work over the long haul, and the results of this kind of parenting can be toxic. It raised a generation in which too many people literally didn’t know how to take responsibility for their actions or build a foundation of moral boundaries in their lives. As these people became parents, they didn’t like how they were raised, but they didn’t have another model. So they fell back on the only way they knew. Unfortunately, most have found it did not work for them either, or they moved to the opposite view and became too lenient. In his excellent book Grace-Based Parenting, Tim Kimmel summarizes the philosophy we want to have regarding grace. The primary word that defines how God deals with His children is grace. Grace does not exclude obedience, respect, boundaries, or discipline, but it does determine the climate in which these important parts of parenting are carried out. You may be weird and quirky, but God loves you through His grace with all your weirdness and quirkiness. You may feel extremely inadequate and fragile in key areas of your life, but God comes alongside you in those very areas of weakness and carries you through with His grace.[^2] Kimmel describes grace-based living in the previous sentences as well as anyone I have ever read. God helps parents shower their children with grace and helps them distinguish what matters most from what doesn’t. Kimmel goes on to say, ‘‘Grace doesn’t lower the standards in our homes; it raises them.’’[^3] Some parents make the common mistake of thinking that if they bring grace into a parenting plan, they must overindulge their kids. This is just as toxic as shame-based parenting. A woman once told me, ‘‘We give Tony everything; I can’t understand why his grades are so poor.’’ The woman had missed the point. If Tony were given everything, why would he need to work for his grades? He would naturally assume that his teachers and everyone else would cater to him no matter what. Giving things to kids as a substitute for time and giving in to the manipulations of our children—as a way of avoiding confrontation or rejection—is not grace-based parenting. Bringing grace into the relationship brings security and confidence to your kids. They have a much easier time finding meaning, love, and purpose for their lives. They have a much easier time understanding the grace of God’s love when they have seen it modeled by their parents. Ultimately, grace is a process, not an event. The apostle Peter wrote, ‘‘But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’’ (2 Peter 3:18). A home where grace abounds is a home of security.

Here’s what I tell parents all the time: Get on the same page. As a couple, you need to agree on the same philosophy regarding discipline and grace. When it comes to discipline, consistency is the key to raising responsible kids. If you are married, team up with your spouse to deal with issues so that one parent doesn’t get worn down. If you are divorced, first try to get on the same page with your former spouse, and if that doesn’t happen, develop a healthy approach to discipline and follow through with it as best you can. Seek the support of others who understand what you are going through. To every parent, may I be perfectly Here’s what I blunt? You are not your children’s best tell parents friend. You don’t have a chance at that until they are older and out of the all the time: house. They call you Mom or Dad for Get on the a reason (as opposed to your first same page. name). You are too old and will never be cool enough to be their best friend anyway. One day, while in the car together, my then-sixteen-yearold daughter, Rebecca, announced, ‘‘Dad, all my friends think you are the coolest dad.’’ She even quoted exact sentences some friends had used to describe me. My ego was swelling. I was feeling pretty good about my nomination for ‘‘Cool Dad of the Year.’’ Then I made the big mistake. ‘‘You don’t let me go to movies that everyone else in the universe can go to. My curfew is earlier than kids ten years younger than me. And when Lauren invited me to Disneyland for the day, you made me go to school instead. [She neglected to mention that she had a final exam that day.] You and Mom are just way too strict.’’ My head shrank to its normal size and I realized, once again, that I may be cool in my imagination, but I am not my daughter’s best friend. Frankly, it’s easy to laugh at this, but it still hurts because we naturally want our kids to like us better than anyone else. Parents who are trying to win a popularity contest with their kids will be sorely disappointed. Wayne Rice, an excellent parent educator and my good friend and To every mentor, has helped me understand parent, may I our roles as parents when our kids are be perfectly at different developmental stages. I blunt? You are pass along some of his wisdom to help you see where you are—and not your what’s ahead—on the parenting hori- children’s best zon instead of flying by the seat of friend. your pants as you fulfill the most important calling in the world. Wayne has identified five stages of parenting.[^1]

Children generally live according to our expectations of them. Some parents say, ‘‘I want to give my children the freedom to choose for themselves what they will believe.’’ That’s nonsense. They already have the freedom to choose for themselves; you cannot give that to them. What they need is some direction, to have their choices narrowed down so that they have a better understanding of making good and right choices. That’s part of our job as parents. In his excellent seminar on Generation to Generation, 3 Wayne Rice helped me better understand my role in passing on my faith to the next generation. Wayne takes 1 Thessalonians 2:11–12 and shows how Paul reveals a very simple pattern, or model, to guide parents as they seek to pass on their faith: ‘‘For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory’’ (emphasis added). Encouraging, comforting, and urging are all part of this pattern. Our job is to find reasons to bring daily encouragement to our children. Shame-based parenting, constant faultfinding, and criticism are not the things that change a child’s heart. Encouragement makes the difference and keeps their heart open to you and to God. Comforting means to come alongside and support our children. Again, I am not talking about indulging them in an unhealthy way, but simply walking alongside them with empathy and love. You want to be the person your children will turn to when they find themselves in trouble. Urging is the job of instructing your children. Parents must be intentional about teaching their children how to live. And our teaching is received best only after we have shown encouragement and comfort on a regular basis.