“I wish my twenty-t wo-year-old would schedule her own dentist appointments.”
In my office sits a handsome young man named Sean, along with his mother and father. Sean has a half smile on his face as if he is almost enjoying the conversation, but his crossed arms also convey some defensiveness. Sean’s mom and dad are clearly not happy. His mom is nervous and worried, and I can’t tell whether Sean’s dad is angrier with his wife or with Sean, but he is obviously frustrated. Sean’s mom does most of the talking but constantly looks to her husband for support, which he refuses to give.
Sean’s mom describes him as a bright young man who is just out of college. She tells me that he was involved with his fraternity and partying in his college years, that he coasted through school, and that he stretched out a four-year-degree program into six years while his parents covered all of his expenses. After graduation and an extended surfing trip (paid for by his parents), he has been back home for eight months. The presenting problem is that Sean doesn’t have much of a job, spends his nights partying with friends, and then sleeps in. His mom and dad are still paying for everything, including his cell phone and Wi-Fi, so Sean has little motivation to get a job. His mom still does his laundry and makes him dinner, often at a different hour than she does for the rest of the family. She even continues to make his bed.
“Sean has a problem!” his mom blurts. This time when she looks to her husband for support, he nods in agreement.
“I don’t think Sean has a problem,” I say. Everyone, including Sean, stares at me dumbfounded. “I think it’s the two of you who have the problem,” I say to the parents. “Sean is getting a pretty sweet deal. If you want him to become a responsible adult, give him some boundaries and expectations. Set a timeline starting right now to get him off your family payroll.”
Chapter 4 Guide · Principle 4: They Will Never Know How Far the Town Is If You Carry Them on Your Back
When Spouses Disagree About Enabling an Adult Child
1. Core Principles from Dr. Jim Burns’ HomeWord Library
The question Sean’s parents needed to ask themselves is, “Are we helping Sean to become a responsible adult, or are we enabling him to remain an irresponsible adolescent?” Our behavior is enabling when we do for others what they can and need to do for themselves. Here is how the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation distinguishes enabling from helping: “Enabling behavior, simply put, shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior. Enabling is different from helping and supporting in that it allows the enabled person to be irresponsible.”[^15]
It’s not hard to recognize this dynamic in the relationship between Sean and his parents. Enabling creates an environment in which an adult child can comfortably continue with unacceptable behavior. If you are always trying to ease your adult children’s pain or protect them from hardship, you only make them more dependent on you. In her book Setting
Boundaries with Your Adult Children, author Allison Bottke writes, “Self-awareness of the part we play in the enabling dynamic is a major success step.”[^16] If we aren’t aware of our part in the enabling process, our children may not reach the goal of responsible adulthood. If Sean’s parents couldn’t recognize their part in enabling in his poor decisions, then Sean would keep on living just like he had been. This doesn’t mean we don’t ever help our kids. That’s an important part of parenting. We just can’t always be bailing them out.
My friends Bob and Cheryl are a perfect example of helping and empowering rather than enabling adult kids. They raised their three children in a loving Christian home and instilled strong values and a biblical mindset into their family. When their college-age daughter Amanda was pulled over by a police officer and arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol, Bob and Cheryl were crushed. They couldn’t believe their daughter would make such a poor choice. But they also believed Amanda was fundamentally a good person who had made a serious error in judgment. They took into consideration that her blood alcohol level was barely above the limit and decided to support her, but not to shield her.
Bob and Cheryl easily could have afforded the best DUI attorney to get their daughter off with a slap on the wrist, but they chose not to do that. After considerable conversation and prayer, they decided it was best for their daughter to experience the full weight of the consequences of her behavior. This meant having her driver’s license revoked for one year, attending DUI school (which was humiliating for the young adult), paying increased insurance rates for ten years, and keeping a DUI on her record for ten years. That was nearly ten years ago, and so Amanda’s consequences will soon be ending. When I asked Bob and Cheryl if they had any regrets about their decision, they said, “Absolutely not. Letting her learn the ‘you reap what you sow’ principle was more important than bailing her out.” Amanda never repeated her mistake, and she now has a much healthier appreciation for the consequences of her choices, in large part because her parents didn’t shield her from the outcome of her actions.
Although it’s natural to want to protect our children, we must break the enabling habit. Enabling produces only entitlement and dependence, and our goal is always to help our children move toward full maturity and independence. In John Townsend’s wonderful book The Entitlement Cure, he writes, “There is a right way to live, and it is the Hard Way. It is work, but it works, and it will save you countless detours in life.”[^17] The hard way Townsend refers to means not taking shortcuts or the easy way out. It’s choosing instead to make the often difficult choice to work on what’s most important and what will bring the greatest results. Enabling produces entitlement, but setting clear boundaries and expectations produces healthy responsibility.
Being a good parent of a young adult requires establishing healthy boundaries for our kids and then holding them accountable. The goal in moving toward responsible adulthood is to take the monkey of responsibility off your back and place it squarely on the back of your adult child. This goes right along with the saying “They will never know how far the town is if you carry them on your back.”
2. Timestamped Video Conversations from the HomeWord Archive
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 15:29–18:36
Watch at 15:29–18:36 on YouTube ↗
How to Have Healthy Conflict with guest Donna Jones
Dr. Jim Burns · 15:29–18:36 · Themes: Marriage Intimacy & Unity, Anxiety, Depression & Mental Health
[15:29] their defenses are down. And Paige, let me just say this one thing, that when we're having a hard conversation, whether this is with our child or our spouse or our friend or coworker or whomever, the four worst words that you can say are, we need to talk.
[15:46] That triggers me. Absolutely. I feel like I'm being called to the principal's office. Anytime anyone says that to me, it regresses me. Yeah. Yeah. And then our defenses go up. And the last thing that you want to have is a person that already has their defenses up when you're trying to have open communication. So I would just say scratch those four words because they're just not helpful.
[16:13] So you talked about the relationship we can have with our kids. We are modeling conflict resolution with our kiddos. So what are some really good things that we can continue to model for our kids? I mean, you already listed questions, but what else can we show them so that they move on into a healthy conflict resolution as well? Yes. Well, one of the things, one of the chapters in the book is called the single most important quality.
[16:37] you know, for a relate or for conflict or how no, the one quality where no conflict can be resolved well. And it's not an action, it's an attitude. And this is an attitude we can model with our kids and it's huge. The attitude is humility. Okay. And the reason I say that, and this is an interesting one because I think sometimes in parenting, we maybe dismiss the need for humility as a parent.
[17:07] because we think because we tether being humble with being humiliated and they are not the same yes ma'am so being humble is thinking about what i say what i do how i respond it takes the other person into account so when i'm humble that makes me a doorway for communication
[17:36] When I'm being humiliated, that makes me a doormat for exploitation. And so it's really different. So humble people still speak their minds. They still say their opinions. They still correct their kids. They still get angry. But the way they do it takes the other person into account. So let me give you an example. When my daughter, we have three kids. When my daughter Ashton was in high school,
[18:06] we got into this horrible conflict on the way to church, which is crazy because my husband's the pastor. There's that, obviously. So there's that. And as a parent, sometimes, especially parents of teenagers, our kids can do things that rightly upset us, anger us. But the way I handled it,
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 0:00–2:10
Watch at 0:00–2:10 on YouTube ↗
Navigating Adult Child Conflicts: Setting Family Expectations
Dr. Jim Burns · 0:00–2:10 · Themes: Adult Children & Role Shift, Failure to Launch & Entitlement, Marriage Intimacy & Unity, Parenting Teens & Technology
[0:00] Our 20 year old daughter is home from college for the summer. We must constantly remind her to stop playing her music so loud, clean up her messes and stop borrowing things and not putting them away. We love having her home, but she really is annoying. Sadly, the constant conflict is hurting our relationship. She wants to be treated like an adult, but she doesn't act like an adult. Jim.
[0:24] What can we do? So I say to parents all the time, have the conversation, not in the heat of the battle, but have the conversation when your kids come back, because she's kind of in that boomerang time and say, hey, here's what some of these expectations we have are. So if you're going to stay here and we are thrilled you are, but we're going to ask that you keep your bathroom clean, that you keep your room semi clean, that you actually take your cups and saucers and dishes to the
[0:53] to the sink and you actually do the washing of those you're not here to work for us but you're here to take care of what you would do you know you so well that if you're you know somebody else's house you would take care of that so what you're doing is you're alleviating being mad at them because you've already told them what the expectations are so that alleviates a lot of it and i'd say hey you broke the expectation but interesting thing and i think this woman needs to hear this too is i said to becca do you have any expectations for us
[1:22] I honestly would, I thought she was going to say no. And she goes, well, dad, I have an expectation for you. And I went, because I thought if she had an expectation, it was going to be for Kathy. And she said, I have an expectation for you. I bring my friends over and you sit in the middle. You just kind of take, you know, you just kind of invite yourself to my friend's party. I think you're taking advantage of your youth pastoring. And so I would rather have you ask me if I'm.
[1:52] going to invite you or not. And I went, Becca, I am so sorry. That is so true. That is so right. You know what? It was a really good lesson for me and for Kathy that our adult kids had some expectations with us too. So I would say with that woman, she's going to win a lot by doing that and then having some expectations.
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 9:29–11:36
Watch at 9:29–11:36 on YouTube ↗
Immensely Useful and Sure-Fire Parenting Tips-Rick Bundschuh
Dr. Jim Burns · 9:29–11:36 · Themes: Marriage Intimacy & Unity
[9:29] And you're just part of this family. Yeah. But you're not the core of this family. No, that's a really good point. I mean, in a sense there, I get that. It's really hard for parents to do that. But I think the most effective kids, they feel secure. The Bible says where the man or the woman of integrity walks securely. And that's really an integrity thing that you put your marriage ahead of your kids. That doesn't mean that you don't nurture your kids and love your kids and care for them, do great things, play with them, hang out, all these kind of things.
[9:57] But if they see parents being child-focused or, as you said, kind of more child-centered, that a lot of times the kids grow up to be entitled because they grow up going, you know what? The reason for our family is for my parents to take care of me. Right. And even things like you come home from work, you want to spend some time with your wife, you sit down with the kids and go, listen, your mom and I are going to spend some time together. You're not allowed to interrupt us.
[10:24] If you do interrupt us, I'm going to put you in your room and put boulders in front of the door so you can't come out. And you build that kind of thing. Well, but if you're on fire, come see me. But other than that, this is our time together. And so what you're teaching them is...
[10:40] is the hierarchy of the marriage relationship and the family relationship. Right. I often say that, you know, it's God and then our marriage and then our children and then our vocation. But we get all those things mixed up. And when we get them mixed up, then that's what breaks the family sometimes. And we forget about it. I love it. And, you know, obviously we don't have boulders to put in front of our doors. But just by saying that says, what you're saying is, hey, your mom, your dad is important. And I know a couple that does that. They have...
[11:07] in the morning they life is chaotic in their family and they just sit there for 15 minutes and they drink coffee and they kind of talk about it kids are everywhere every so often they probably say hey settle down but you got to get ready for school and then at night first time when he comes they both work but when he comes home because he comes home later then they sit and they have some liquid refreshment whatever and then it's time to go do dinner and all this but they've connected twice that changes a marriage because now you have
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 33:22–35:57
Watch at 33:22–35:57 on YouTube ↗
Avoiding Hostile Holidays!
Dr. Jim Burns · 33:22–35:57 · Themes: Christian Family & Faith Formation
[33:22] Maybe you can even implement this week in your conversation, especially as we're gearing up for the holiday season. First one is getting to know your child at all ages as they develop and grow into an independent adult. We know that they are kids and we get to see them every day and how they're growing into their individuality, uh, autonomously, as well as relationships that they're building with other people outside of our home.
[33:48] But sometimes we forget that they are their own person and that our perception of who they are might be slightly different than who they actually are. So we as parents have to remain curious. We have to ask a lot of open questions about who they are, what they like, what their values are. In previous Embracing Your Season episodes, we've talked with authors and experts about having some of these conversations. So definitely check those out as well as they provide great tools and wisdom of how
[34:18] to open up a conversation about getting to know your kid and connecting well with them. We talked a little bit about how we want to celebrate their individuality and that our roles will change as well. So continue to check those out of all the resources that we have available at embracing your season, as well as many other authors and speakers like Dr. Jim Burns and his books. The next takeaway is boundaries are healthy. Okay. Maybe you grew up in a family where boundaries weren't.
[34:46] necessarily discovered or talked about. We are here today to tell you that boundaries are actually very important. They establish health in relationships, and it might be a little hard to establish what those are and what is realistic and what is healthy. And so I truly encourage you to explore what are healthy boundaries in relationships, both inside your marriage, outside your marriage and across the board in any relationship.
[35:10] that you have, you can do that by talking to trusted people that you have in your life. You can hit up a therapist. You can talk to a mentor or an advisor. I'm sure that you can find people that can speak wisdom into what are healthy boundaries that you can have. Once you establish that healthy boundaries are important for your relationships. Why don't you start coming up with a plan of how to implement those.
[35:33] So holidays, great example of how we need to start implementing boundaries, especially when we're talking about things that maybe you're uncomfortable with or your in-laws or your own parents start trying to dictate to you how to parent yourself, right? These are great places to implement boundaries, but you gotta have a plan first. Establish what is the boundary that you want to stick with.
▶️ Timestamped Clip · 22:16–24:47
Watch at 22:16–24:47 on YouTube ↗
Blended: The Joys and Challenges of a Step-Family
Dr. Jim Burns · 22:16–24:47 · Themes: Blended Families & In-Laws
[22:16] um you know and as parents they always tend to come to you and say man you know this is what's going on and this really irritates me or whatever and you're kind of that sounding board for them to be able to share that
[22:28] And but then also, you know, giving them feedback about, well, you know, there's another side of the story. There's another piece. There's another person here who you're upset with. But have you thought about this? Have you thought about, you know, why this may be going on and giving them trying to give them another perspective and not bashing?
[22:51] you know, like if it's the two girls, you know, Mariah and Danny, and we can talk about situations that have happened between them and, you know, kind of, I'm more of the sounding board where they'll both come to me and, you know, talk about that and not bashing the other one, but trying to help them.
[23:10] understand why some of this stuff might be going on. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. And you know what it brings to mind too, is that in marriage, just being parents, you guys have to be united anyways, right? Because kids always know how to, who's going to be the easier parent to get.
[23:26] you know, to manipulate. And in my home, I just happen to be the one where even my own husband hides like the snack drawer key or the passwords on the cell phones because I'm always the sucker, right? They know they can take advantage of me. But with blimpid families, how much harder is it for you guys to make sure that you're unified when your child comes, your biological child comes or your biological comes to you like and they're fighting with one another? I mean, how do you guys make sure that you're unified as parents? I think.
[23:55] what I would say first is that we are on the same team. And I think we've communicated that to our kids, that we are on the same team. He's not my enemy and I'm not his. And so when there's conflict with one and for example, when Danny was younger and there were issues with her and Paul and how she wouldn't even speak to him when he walked in the room and.
[24:19] He felt really disrespected when it came to that. And he would, instead of lashing out at her, he would come to me and he would say, hey, this really bothers me. And when she does this, and I don't know how to make it any better. And, you know, and I, as her mom, I had two choices. I could either get really defensive at him because he was kind of upset with her, or I could, you know, be.