When an Adult Child Cuts Contact: Navigating Estrangement & Reconciliation

When parents share their stories about their adult child’s estrangement, their emotions are understandably intense. Their responses are normally confusion mixed with anger, hurt, and even despair. They almost always are desperate for the relationship to change. The initial attempts to reconnect are usually misguided. One of the leading voices in this field, Tina Gilbertson, says it well: “It’s not about who’s right or wrong—it’s about mending fences.”[^4] Parents have to take the lead to hold back, providing adult children the space and time to come back into the relationship. If we push too hard, we will drive them right out of our lives. I know that goes against the grain of what we want to say and do, but at first it’s most effective to take baby steps and do a lot of listening. Parents who are willing to take some responsibility for the breakdown and show some empathy will find that it goes a long way toward reconciliation and reconnecting. Many parents want to move directly to blame and shame, and that typically gets them nowhere. I once asked a woman who placed all the blame on her daughter if there was anything in her past she could apologize to her daughter about. She said, “She is the one who should be apologizing, not me.” I said, “I get it, but showing empathy and apologizing for something will move your relationship along quicker than continuing to share your version of why you are estranged.” She came back to me later and said, “I found something to apologize for from the past, so I apologized, and I sensed my daughter begin to open up toward me.” This is why I encourage parents to take the lead. Use sentences like “I want to understand your perspective on how I have treated you.” “I want to hear what you perceive my blind spots to be.” Again, your job is not to tell your adult child how wrong they are and how right you are; rather, it is to get to the heart of the matter, and that comes through empathy. So choose empathy over confrontation. Focus on the process, not the outcome. Defensiveness, which is so natural, usually does little to no good in bringing back connection. A mom and dad sat in my office sharing their estrangement story with a daughter who was in a lesbian relationship. They were angry at her, at her lover, and at the lover’s parents for embracing this lifestyle. The father told me he finally reached out to his daughter, who said she was willing to meet with him. I asked how the meeting went.

He said, “I took her and her girlfriend to her favorite restaurant.” (So far so good.) “Then after we ordered, I told her the reason I wanted to get together was because I needed to tell them what they were doing was an ‘abomination.’ ” (Not a good first sentence to try and connect with your daughter.) I asked how they took being called an abomination. He said, “Well, my daughter started crying, and she and her girlfriend walked out of the restaurant.” I gently asked, “What were you expecting from a conversation that started like that?” He said, “They needed to know how I felt and that what they were doing was wrong.” He didn’t answer my question, so I rephrased it. “I hear you, but what were you expecting or hoping would happen?” He came back with, “They need to stop this behavior immediately.” Again, he didn’t answer my question. I realized that he spoke to his daughter and her girlfriend before he ever took the time to think through how they would react to his comment. If you want to build trust and reopen dialogue, you may need to take things slowly, be thoughtful with your language, lead with love (as Jesus did), and practice kindness. That will move you toward reconciliation much quicker than dropping a word bomb to get their attention. The father’s way of handling issues was not going to win his daughter back. When reconciling estrangement, we must learn quickly to agree to disagree without destroying the relationship. This sounds counterintuitive, but when a relationship with your adult child has reached the estrangement level, it’s rarely helpful to go on the offensive. It’s a bit like when a person is drowning and the rescuer drowns because the drowning person pulls the rescuer down with them. A person in an estranged relationship often has a panic reaction spurred on by confrontation just like a drowning person becomes fearful and makes bad choices. Fear and panic in a relationship don’t work well together. The wise parent doesn’t escalate the situation but keeps the relationship in focus. This means bringing comfort and curiosity to the relationship. Be curious about your adult child’s life, not defensive toward the situation. You can learn a lot when you are collecting information about feelings, responses, and actions. Tina Gilbertson says, “Take responsibility without accepting blame.”[^5] Again, it sounds counterintuitive, but one of the best and most powerful ways to bring connection back is to help your child feel seen, heard, and understood—even in the midst of conflict. Empathy brings connection. Gilbertson has great insight here, “In order to recover a relationship with your child, you must find a way to put shame aside and invite compassion into your heart.”[^6] Compassion has a way of diffusing the emotions flying around the relationship. And yes, it’s possible to validate your adult child’s feelings without accepting blame.

3. Making restitution. “I am so sorry. I know I offended your husband, and I’d like to make it right by meeting with him (and you) and offering an apology. Plus, I’d like to pay him for the work he did at our house. I never wanted to take advantage of him. Please forgive me.” 4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior. “I’m very sorry. I can understand how you felt belittled by my teasing, and I will not do that again. In fact, I decided to see a counselor about my behavior because I know I caused you some emotional pain. Please forgive me.” 5. Requesting forgiveness. “I am very sorry and recognize my part in our estrangement. I created a barrier to our relationship. Will you accept my heartfelt apology?” Few things are as powerful as a meaningful, heartfelt apology. And speaking of apologies, we must be willing to forgive our adult children’s mistakes even when what they did feels totally disobedient or disrespectful. Our instruction on forgiveness comes from none other than Jesus. In a powerful conversation on forgiveness between Peter and Jesus, the disciple asked him, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?” Peter, thinking this was quite generous, added, “Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matt. 18:21–22). If you want a breakthrough in your relationship, begin with forgiveness. You can forgive and still have solid boundaries.