When Your Adult Child Strays: Navigating Faith Deconstruction & Heartache

In recent years, there has been a significant increase of young adults distancing themselves from the church, traditional faith and values, or both. Watching them disconnect from their spiritual roots is shocking and disheartening. According to the Barna Research Group, 64 percent of young adults leave the church after high school.[^1] But emerging research is offering a hopeful perspective: Many who stepped away from their faith are beginning to return, even if slowly and quietly.[^2] For many parents of adult children, however, that return hasn’t yet happened—and may never happen. The pain is still real, the wounds are festering, and they have a sense of agonizing defeat. Over the years as I’ve interacted with countless parents through my ministry, this issue of adult children leaving their faith prompts more questions than all other subjects combined. At speaking events around the globe, on my podcasts, and on social media, I field near-constant questions on this topic. Many parents who raised their children in the Christian faith are caught off guard when those same children, now adults, begin to deconstruct their beliefs. They assume the kid who was active in church as a child and as an adolescent will carry that same faith into adulthood. But for many families, that is not happening. Our daughter Christy wrote a regular column for her university newspaper, and in her final column before graduating, she wrote, “I had to disown my parents’ faith to own my own faith.” That phrase was healthy on several levels, but hearing that she had to “disown our faith” sent us into a season of deep reflection—prompting us to question so much about how we raised her. We wrestled with regret and had deep anxiety over what was happening beneath the surface. We questioned everything about the decisions we had made in our family, as if her faith journey depended entirely on us. We knew the right things to say to others, but this was personal. I remember a woman asking me during the time our kids were beginning to question their faith, “How long will it take for my son to regain his faith?” All I could honestly say was, “We never know.” We have to stay in the messy middle. Some of our adult children live in the margin of faith for a long time, while others return with a newfound robust faith as they become mature adults. Regret can’t rewrite the past, and no amount of anxiety will change the future. But love, patience, and presence matter in the middle of it all.

So what can we do? Fortunately, there is a lot we can do to stay in the story with our kids and their faith or lack of faith. Here are the five things you can do when your adult child has deconstructed or is deconstructing.

When young adults describe what has caused them to wander from their faith, they don’t necessarily include the contributing factors I’ve listed. This six-point sequence is meant to be only a general look at loss of faith. Every person has a different story and different experience. Parents and leaders in the church must be careful not to categorize each person—it’s just not that simple. Because a crisis of faith is often self-defined, we need to take a step back and listen well. Young adults often point to real and painful reasons that have caused them to be disillusioned with Christianity. Interestingly, many young adults who leave the church still have a high regard for Jesus. They are not surrendered to his will, but they don’t seem to throw out the baby with the baptismal water. Jesus often gets high marks while it’s the church and some of its teachings that mainly bug them. Here are some of the words and phrases I hear most often: • The church is too political and aligned with Christian nationalism. • The church practices old school misogyny and is patriarchal. • The church has repressive rules, especially around sexuality. I love the church. But I can understand where this generation of deconstructed young adults get their criticisms and misunderstandings. Yes, there are churches and leaders out there who distort the gospel. There are churches who are as dysfunctional as any family. However, there are also beautiful, life-giving churches offering authentic faith. Somehow we need to allow our wandering adults to vent but, whenever possible, agree with them while still being an authentic representation of the love of God. Many of those disengaged with the church aren’t really turning their backs on God as much as wrestling with deep wounds, harsh judgment, or even broken trust with spiritual leaders. Rachel Held Evans was a prophetic voice for a younger generation of people who had been strong in the church until she became disillusioned with the American church. Rachel passed away at a young age. At her passing, she was still disillusioned. Although we wouldn’t have agreed on every theological point, she made a very important statement for parents with adult children who are straying from faith: “I am convinced that what drives most people away from Christianity is not the cost of discipleship, but rather the cost of ‘false fundamentals.’ ” She went on to say, “It’s time we stop trying to ‘set the world straight’ by shouting out answers . . . and instead begin to follow Jesus on the path he walked—stepping into the lives of others through authentic care, deep listening, and honest, humble questions.”[^4] I think Rachel was onto something. We won’t win them back through shame, guilt, or anger. Madeleine L’Engle summarized what we need to do and be for this generation: “We do not draw people to Christ by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.”[^5] You don’t win an argument with someone who is deconstructing. You love them toward change by consistently loving them and making your light shine bright. That’s it. The answer is showing your kids an authentic faith that stays true to your biblical convictions and loves unwaveringly with patient listening and a faith that radiates Christ.