Premarital & Newlywed Foundations: Finances, In-Laws & Course Corrections

Money stress. Babies are more expensive than couples typically plan for. The added financial stress often coincides with a reduction in work hours, and the bank account begins to atrophy. Baby “stuff” adds up, since most new parents don’t want to wait to buy things for their precious newborn. Change in focus. It’s not uncommon for a nursing mom to shift her focus from her husband to the newborn. I (Doug) remember feeling like a stranger in my own home during the baby’s first six months. Honestly, it was a really hard time for me. I’ll admit I was being selfish, but I felt as if Cathy was giving everything to our child, and there was nothing left for me. Plus, when the baby cried because she was hungry, I wasn’t too much help, since I wasn’t lactating. I’d hand her off to Cathy, feel like a failure as a new dad, and experience the double sting of rejection. Cathy wasn’t excluding me intentionally, but the baby couldn’t take care of herself, and since I could fend for myself, Cathy directed her attention and energy to the crying baby. I should have seen this coming, because it’s common for a new mom to have strong feelings for her baby, but I missed it. This type of experience day in and day out definitely wreaks havoc on a husband’s psyche. Many men feel jealous, distant, and forgotten but find it difficult to express those feelings because they’re afraid of sounding selfish. We think that although the husband loves the baby, he often feels resentment toward his wife because of her new focus and passion for their child. Sex frequency decreases. As a result of everything we’ve discussed so far, the romantic and physical connection in a marriage takes a lower priority when a child is added to the mix, and sex can become a distant memory. In addition to fatigue, a lot is going on within the wife: hormones are a little messed up following the birth, breastfeeding can lower the female libido, and some women don’t feel sexy or desirable because their bodies may have changed shapes and sizes. After you become parents, your sex life will definitely require your attention, honest conversations, and some thoughtful course corrections. The sexual disconnect doesn’t have to last forever, but there will most likely be a downturn in desire and frequency of sex.

First-time parents experience what is often referred to as the “baby quake,” which is an allusion to the chaos an earthquake causes. Since we live in California, we know a thing or two about earthquakes, and while we can’t predict them, we can prepare for the aftermath. Couples who anticipate the changes parenthood will bring and make course corrections function better as parents than those who are unprepared. As you read this chapter, remember that we want you to win big in marriage and enjoy your baby. We don’t want to discourage you in our efforts to prepare you. Instead, we want to encourage you to discuss the issues before they become issues. Studies reveal a decline in the overall quality of marital satisfaction, especially in the first three years after a baby is born.[^1] It’s not unusual for a couple to say something like, “We weren’t ready for the nose-dive our marriage took after our first child was born.” One parent confessed to us, “It’s amazing how a twelve-to-twenty-pound human had the superpowers to turn us into resentment-filled, sleep-deprived, sexless zombies.” Those who aren’t parents might be laughing at that statement, but those with children are nodding in agreement. If you plan to be parents, don’t be scared; just do your homework so you’ll be aware. Following is a partial list of what you can expect when you have a child. (If you’re already a parent, let this remind you that you’re not alone.) Sleep deprivation. You won’t get enough sleep in the early months (or years), and sleep loss can make you irritable and turn relatively simple tasks into huge ordeals. Tired people have shorter fuses, which typically means relational conflict is more likely. One woman told us, “I’d never been more annoyed with my husband than after the baby was born. I kept blaming him for everything. But once I got some sleep, my energy returned, and it was like I was a new person. I wasn’t annoyed as much.” Being tired is synonymous with being new parents. Doubled domestic duties. It doesn’t seem plausible, but there’s so much more to do when you have a child who adds to the workload and yet can’t help with the chores. Diapers. Bottles. Lost pacifiers. Diapers. Laundry. Diapers. You find yourself thinking, What did we do with our time before she was born? This increased work can cause additional bickering, negativity, and resentment in your marriage.

Conflict increases. You don’t need to be a trained counselor to realize that any of the factors we’ve just listed can lead to increased conflict in your marriage. Along with the joy and rejoicing over the new baby in your life, there will also be a lot of tension from frustration, exhaustion, and unmet expectations. We love being parents! It’s one of the genuine highlights of our lives, and we hope the same is true for you. If you haven’t had a baby yet, we encourage you to take advantage of sleeping in, taking long showers, going to the movies together, cuddling on the couch, walking in the moonlight, and having spontaneous sex—actually, spontaneous anything. Your baby won’t make these activities impossible, just less frequent. Although every stage of marriage has its moments of enjoyment, make sure to really enjoy your time together before you have children so you’ll have a stronger marital relationship when the kids arrive. By now you may be thinking, Are you guys trying to scare us into staying on birth control? That’s a fair question considering what you just read, but our answer is a strong and passionate no! What we’re trying to do is prepare you for the greatest privilege of your life—being a parent—which can collide with the greatest adventure of your life—being married. This requires honestly informing you of some of the issues that will arrive with the baby, and these issues definitely aren’t as cute and cuddly as a newborn. You’ll do fine if you know what’s coming your way, take the time to discuss these issues together, and commit to prioritizing your marriage. One of our goals for this book is to help minimize the obscene number of divorces that occur after children arrive. Given the changes that will be required of you as new parents, let’s discuss some ways you can build a stronger bond as a couple.