Walking with Your Child Through Anxiety, Depression & Emotional Overwhelm

I talked with a couple after one of my Doing Life with Your Adult Children seminars. The relationship with their two adult children was complicated and intense. The woman told me she was experiencing anxiety and depression and having a difficult time coping with her life, her marriage, and her work, along with physical symptoms like headaches and insomnia. After listening to their story about the toxicity of their relationship with their adult children and her emotional and physical ailments, I asked a simple question. “Have you ever sought help for all that is going on in your life?” The wife’s answer surprised me: “I don’t think there is anyone who could help or understand.” Her husband said, “She is a bit emotionally paralyzed from everything.” And I’m sure he was right. My response went something like this: “If you were walking down the street in your city and someone came up to you and hit you with a two-by-four, my guess is someone would assess the situation and get you immediate medical attention.” She nodded. “I perceive that your trauma is on the inside. People around you can’t see it, but the damage is just as bad or worse. It has taken a toll on your health, your mind, and your emotions, and it is impacting all areas of your life. Experts in trauma may help you with your many complicated issues.” Her husband wanted to get help for her, but she seemed hesitant, only semi-w illing to seek help. I referred her to a trauma therapist I knew and trusted. This woman (and couple) was going to need a mindset shift and the counsel, support, and wisdom of others to have a breakthrough in her life. Counseling, therapy, coaching, talking with a wise friend, and sitting down with your pastor are all good ideas. This woman needed more intense therapy. She needed support from friends and time with her pastor for spiritual care, but her situation needed a licensed, trained therapist who could help unravel the complicated problems with her adult children and some of her other issues. A professional counselor would possess the skills to help her feel more comfortable in talking through her issues to find peace. A counselor could also assess if some of the complications in the relationship with her adult children might have been caused by addictive behaviors or mental illness or some form of abuse from the past. A counselor doesn’t do all the work for the client and tell the client what to do. A good counselor helps to diagnose the situation and looks at ways to resolve the problems.

As for you, the Bible says, “Where there is no counsel a people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Seek the safety of wise counsel and since it is your desire to forgive, then walk very slowly toward reconciliation. If you are going to reconcile then you will need to forgive him or the relationship won’t work. You can’t keep holding his offence over his head for the rest of your life and expect much connection. I can’t speak for you, but for me, if Cathy was unfaithful I would still want to reconcile. To be perfectly honest for the first few years of our marriage I might have just closed the door to reconciliation. After 30 plus years, I believe I would move toward reconciliation first. Above all else, seek help, don’t suffer in silence. *3. I was sexually abused as a child and haven’t told anyone about it. Now I think it might be affecting my relationship with my husband.* Sexual abuse is a trauma that will affect most aspects of your life and your childhood sexual assault definitely will affect your relationship with your husband. I urge you to get the help you need to move toward healing. When I am doing any kind of pre-marriage counseling I always ask the couple if there has been any kind of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse in their life. I want them to understand that they must begin dealing with their pain of abuse before they marry. This is not a secret to hide from your spouse. It is also not a secret to keep inside you. Here is what I tell people who have been victims of sexual abuse. > • *It’s not your fault; it is always the fault of the abuser*. Far too many people feel so much shame that they actually blame themselves for what happened. You were a victim. You can’t keep blaming yourself. > > • *Seek help, do not suffer in silence*. It sounds like you have harbored this traumatic experience alone for far too long. If you were my friend and I had cancer, you would beg me to get the help I need to fight the cancer or eventually it would kill me. I say the same thing to you. Sexual Abuse affects almost all areas of our life and if you don’t get the help you need, your pain will move into the emotional, spiritual, and relational areas of your life and affect you in a negative way. From your question, you can see that it has already affected your relationship with your husband. Seek the help you need to deal with this trauma. I suggest a qualified counselor. Also talk with your spouse about this painful part of your life. > > • *There is hope*. You are not alone. Hundreds of thousands of people have been sexually abused. (Today’s statistics tell us about 1 out of 3 young women and 1 out of 6 young men by age 19 will be sexually abused). People who seek help do find hope and healing. The pain of the trauma doesn’t magically go away, but with the right assistance you can live a very productive life and have an excellent relationship with your spouse. > > • *God cares deeply for your pain*. When a person has experienced any kind of abuse but especially sexual abuse, it is very difficult to believe that God cares for you. After all, most likely you prayed for his help and you were still abused. There are no easy answers. We live in a sinful and fallen world. However, over and over again in scripture we see times of deep empathy from God. For example, the shortest verse in the entire Bible is, “Jesus wept.” He wept at the death of a friend. If Jesus could weep over his friend’s death, then He weeps for you in the midst of your pain and agony. The Bible is clear God says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” He didn’t promise to take away our problems and suffering. He did promise to be there for us in the midst of our hurt.

A toxic or dysfunctional family dynamic is different from normal family struggles. The feelings are tense, unstable, and charged with emotion. That is when we need an expert to help us. Some people say, “I can’t afford therapy.” That is not an excuse. Free counseling or low-cost counseling on a sliding scale is available, as well as medical care. Some people say their church doesn’t believe in counseling. Okay, but that might be just a certain type of counseling. So go with what feels right for you. Seek help. A battle for your mind, relationships, and heart is taking place, and the Bible speaks clearly about gaining wisdom for battles: “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Prov. 11:14 NKJV). Just as there are many reasons we go to a medical doctor, there are many good reasons to seek counsel and wisdom from a trained counselor. Here are just a few: • For support and insight in life transitions and life complications (including dealing with an adult child issue) • To help with an addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, to name a few) • To resolve problems in your marriage or with a family member • To understand identity issues, whether in general or sexual Everyone can benefit from a counselor to provide wisdom, insight, and support. One day over breakfast, I was sitting with my friend Dr. Henry Cloud on his boat, eating a breakfast burrito and catching up on life. Henry is one of America’s most insightful counselors, a prolific writer and thinker. I asked him, “As a counselor, how do you view your work with people?” I thought his answer was profound. He said, “I don’t just view myself as a counselor. I disciple people to be more of what God created them to be.” I remember thinking that morning that that’s the kind of people I want around me. Seek out people who have a similar philosophy of life and mission as Henry. Those people are in your community; you just have to search for them. If you are willing to do the hard work of walking through your life circumstances with a counselor, then do the hard work it takes to find a good counselor.